Since June of this year, it has been so difficult. It seems like my condition has been spiraling down everyday. The only times that I feel better is after a doze of Dilaudid. Now doctor's advice is to limit or stop taking it. I totally understand. I avoid taking it myself.
The left side of trunk had been extremely stiff. It is obvious there is no signal coming from the brain, not getting through the spinal cord. I had gone through P.T. but to no avail. I have been using a back mas sager which helps for a very short time and then goes back to being very stiff and hard after I sit,stand or walk. I am really losing hope. I don't have happiness anymore. Before, there were things I am thankful about. There were things I can do. Some people say, it could be worse. What is worse than being alive and not be able to do anything? Being dead, right. I'm sure that this feeling will get better. There has been a change in my condition, it is worse, but when total paralysis sets in and you know that there is nothing that can be done and you've used up all your resources, ACCEPTANCE will set in.
Sometimes I wish that we have the right to end our suffering. I don't think I have any patience left. I know this feeling is temporary. I feel so down, so sad but you almost have to keep it to yourself. I cry mostly when I'm alone. No matter how I try, it's hard not to cry and be sad about it. I try to be courageous about it and be tough like my Dad, but I just can't. Yes, I tell my partner my pain, I never tell anything to my son who was in Iraq and now in Ft. Hood. The only person that I cry to is my Mom although she's not always a good listener, it's alright as long as I can vent. It helps to be able to vent although it seems like a torture to someone on the receiving end.
Things maybe difficult now, but when I get settled in my wheelchair permanently, I know things will change.
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