Challenges

Life has always been a struggle for me. As a little girl, after laughing with friends while playing, I would get migraines that would not cease until I went to sleep. In third grade, my right ear was always itchy inside and paper thin dry mucous constantly covers the surrounding whole. It was so bizarre. In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong but I never mentioned it to anyone. I started kindergarten at four. At five years old I had to go to kindergarten again. When my mom told me I had to go to kindergarten again when I was six years old, I refused telling my Mom I already knew everything. So she enrolled me in first grade as a visitor but I was accelerated to second grade. I finished first grade with honors. I graduated in elementary with honors.

A few years after, another symptom came. I had this pain emanating from inside my right forearm like from inside the bone that came with weakness. The root of my thumb became swollen and it stayed permanently. I used to hit my arm because it was excruciating. It was an everyday ordeal. The headaches got worse. I would bang my head on the wall of my bedroom at times because of frustration. 

In high school, the headaches lightened up but I had eye pain. My Mom took me to an Optometrist who of course recommended that I wear glasses. The glasses never helped. I was doing great in all of my classes at that time except in Algebra. I have to admit that I was not too keen in Math so I always avoided it. As long as I can pass I was happy. This was senior year and I have been noticing that it has been taking me longer to study. It took me longer to understand and remember terms. To my frustration, I resorted to something really bad one day. Cheating. Yes, cheating,  although it never even crossed my mind before, I will do it because I felt like I couldn't recall what I studied. Just the thought of cheating was very scary to me. I had never done it before but I will do it because of 
desperation. So, before one of my exams I wrote some important terms in a magazine. To my stupidity, I used a very colorful AAA magazine and during the exams I used it as a writing pad. My 
favorite teacher who liked me a lot came to me and asked 
to borrow the magazine. I was caught and I haven't even used it! That was the beginning and the end of my cheating. Ever since then I wasn't her favorite student anymore. Albeit with difficulty, I managed to graduate high school with honors. Of course, it's not a big deal it's just high school but those will be my best years in terms of my memory.

Knowing my capability, I decided to take an easy preparatory course. I knew I could take any four year degree and proceed to Law School after. In my freshman year, I struggled with the classes where I had to memorize but I always had A's in practical classes. What didn't help were the unexplained debilitating headaches that occurred every day. But it wasn't so bad I passed all my classes. In my sophomore year, again it was a bit of a struggle. My headaches occurred every afternoon and never ceased until I went to bed. My 
eye pain was triggered by many things like face powder, eye liner, make up, mascara, hair spray or anything that I used when I wanted to look better. For example when I went to parties and wore eye 
makeup or hair spray I would end up being teased by our group because my eyes would be red. Each time after that I will have a debilitating headache.

Our family was planning to move to the US in 1982 and I was a sophomore in college at that time. And here comes my mom telling me that if I continue with my course she would not support me. She wanted me to study Dentistry. (In hindsight it's funny and I should've never done it) Because with a Law degree I can't use it when I moved to the US. She was right but don't we have a choice of what we wanted to be? Not in my family, especially us the 
younger ones. I've always been scared of my mom. I never even 
came to her with any of my problems. But I did what she wanted 
me to do. The next summer, I cross enrolled at a university where my friends go so  I can take some science classes for preparatory 
dentistry. Anatomy and Physiology for me is a very interesting class. I am very interested to learn about the human body's parts and functions. I studied very well. I was all prepared for the first 
exam,I thought. But while I was taking it I can't recall anything that I memorized. I couldn't write anything on my paper. I tried harder to  recall what I studied but my head hurts instead. I ended up guessing some of the questions. I failed that test instantly. I wasn't even aware I had degenerative cognitive issue at that time. I knew I studied very well and I was very prepared but I thought maybe I didn't do enough. So for the next exam I studied even better. I stayed up late every night studying. And fortunately 
the next exam was the same. I couldn't recall anything that I 
studied. I had a big problem. But I only wanted to keep it to myself. I was embarrassed or maybe too proud to admit it to anyone. Of 
course I will never be ready to tell my mom. 



I was lost. My professor who actually really liked me came to me and asked what was going on. I talked to him I told him that I was willing to make it better. But I cried my heart out when I got home that day realizing that things are not working. 

Next in class we dissected a cat and we will have  an exam on cat anatomy. Still I haven't given up I was confident that I could destroy that next exam. I used every minute I had to study, 
memorizing every part over and over and over until I was feeling nauseous. 

I came in early to class and was so ready for the exam. I told my professor to give me another chance and he was so willing to help me in fact I remember him being so fond of me. This time I studied 
very well. I came in very well prepared. Unfortunately when I sat for the exams and started reading the questions, I felt lost again, 
same as the previous exams. I couldn't recall anything that I ended 
up guessing. It was another fiasco. I had no other choice but to drop the classes I was taking at the university. 

I went back to my home school the next semester. Everything was fine in the beginning but the evil headaches came to haunt me everyday and my life was miserable. And then I started to have this 
pain in my lower abdomen. Everyday the pain would be there and it was very uncomfortable. It felt like something was going to fall. Later during the semester, the sore throats that I had every once in a while became like a weekly occurrence. I became very sickly that semester. Sometimes I would go home before or after lunch or after a couple of classes. 

When the semester ended, I went home to the province to just have a restful vacation like our friends and family did. When I came back to enroll for the next semester, I was informed by the Dean's office that I cannot enroll because I had three absences in one of my classes. That I cannot be accepted as a student there again. I was devastated at that time but at the same time I was so tired. 

In the back of my head I had a feeling there was something wrong with me but I was in denial. I had no idea what to do. I was scared but in no way I would have to tell my parents. There was just no way. So I just stayed in the dorm and just hung out the whole semester. In hindsight, I should have told them the truth. Although I couldn't have thought of it at that time because of how our mother was. She was a tyrant. No. No understanding.  I wish and I could have gotten help. It would have been the best thing.