Today I ask God to heal me once again, touch me and I will be healed and I'm going to wait for that day if it's not today. A few believers say, you have to believe that you have been healed and you will. But what if you've done all that and you're still in pain? And every single thing you do, you suffer from pain like most Syringomyelia sufferers?
Unbelievable as it may seem, but I'm in it!! As far as I can remember I have had many challenges because of Chiari and Syringomyelia. Today is one of those days where my body feels like it's been forcibly separated into two pieces, upper body and lower body with a buttocks that's been broken in many pieces!! You're constantly holding your stomach muscles up as to keep your bladder up or it will drop on the ground. Your legs feels like their nerves are too short and they're being stretched to cover the whole area and they're getting numb because of that. The feet constantly feel ice cold in the cold season like acid was poured over them and during the warm season they feel constantly swollen with heat.
As I often say, there are a lot of things I want to do besides things I should be doing but it has been many years that whatever I do I would be in pain for days, weeks, months or even years. Depending on what I did. Wish I could write on my blog everyday but it's impossible because today I am typing and for sure it will hurt my hands and arms again like it always does.
There used to be this fear, fear inside of me that is almost blinding. I felt panicked or worried. To a point where I may have been bitter because I was afraid of change, afraid to leave my son to fend for himself. Fear of leaving the life that we may have known. But as years passed, with my health still deteriorating, I began to dissolve the power of fear by embracing it and by embracing it, I had learned to let go. That impenetrable barrier of fear no longer exists. In it's place is the change that my heart has been longing for, unfortunately not by choice but being able to face the reality of how you are going to live without any spice in life. The only reason why you're alive is because you're still breathing. You have no choice.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Let Me Think!!!!
This pain won't allow me to think at all!!!! This is torture, I pray to God to help me be a good Christian and someday be saved and go to heaven where there is no pain and suffering!!!
At times, I feel like I don't have anymore patience to live with this pain but I have no choice, I'm still alive, you lose more being negative so be positive!!!
Last Saturday, Kev and I left for Santa Cruz at 9:15 AM, stopped by Shopper's Corner, a gourmet grocery close to Kev's Mom's place. Then went to his Mom's. I sat for a little and decided to help after a few minutes. Kev moved the tan bark from the front yard into the backyard using the recycle bin and I helped his Mom rake it to move it around and then Kev and I stapled the plastic liner. After we were done in the backyard, Kev mowed her front lawn and his sister started weeding and I helped weed a little and swept a little, I wasn't feeling good anymore but was quiet about it. We finished the work in about 3 hours. Betty, Kev's Mom was very happy.
Kev and I stopped by to have lunch at Camino Real Mexican Restaurant, an old authentic Mexican Restaurant in Watsonville for a late lunch or early dinner. He had Bistek Ranchero and I had Chicken Enchilada. It was so good as always!!
We went to our hotel and took a shower and rested. We were scheduled to meet with his Mom and sister for dinner at 7:45 PM but cancellled because I was throwing up and too sick to go. I was in horrible pain. We just watched a documentary and went to bed. Kev was asleep before I knew.
The next day, Kev left early to the mountains to ride his bike. I woke up late, Frodo woke me up. We went for a long walk. Frodo was so excited to go for a walk there. He's always excited to do anything there but not in Sacramento.
Kev came back around 10 and while he was showering, I kept getting this call which I always thought was a sales call. I didn't answer it and next thing my computer started to ring. It was my son calling me on Skype, he told me he's been calling my phone. We taked for almost 30 minutes. It was about 9PM there when we were talking and Sgt. Cam came to Russ' room to ask for help. Which means he can be called to work anytime, he hardly sleeps. I felt bad, between my pain and missing my son and his situation there, I could just cry and cry and cry and I did!!
We went to check surf spots, stopped by his Mom's and went to Walnut Blvd Cafe in downtown for late breakfast. He had Huevos Rancheros and I had avocado, mushroom and cheese scramble and a fruit bowl. We went around downtown. I bought cards for friends, looked for humorous cards but not humorous enough for my son. We went back to the car but I asked Kev if I can buy a couple of things at Trader Joe's, so I did. We left for Sacramento and we got home around 6:30 PM.
I knew it was going to be tough to cook, but I couldn't find anything easy to make. I made past using the Pampano fish that I thawed out and used the broccollini that I purchased at Trader Joe's. I was very tired. I knew I snored that night.
At times, I feel like I don't have anymore patience to live with this pain but I have no choice, I'm still alive, you lose more being negative so be positive!!!
Last Saturday, Kev and I left for Santa Cruz at 9:15 AM, stopped by Shopper's Corner, a gourmet grocery close to Kev's Mom's place. Then went to his Mom's. I sat for a little and decided to help after a few minutes. Kev moved the tan bark from the front yard into the backyard using the recycle bin and I helped his Mom rake it to move it around and then Kev and I stapled the plastic liner. After we were done in the backyard, Kev mowed her front lawn and his sister started weeding and I helped weed a little and swept a little, I wasn't feeling good anymore but was quiet about it. We finished the work in about 3 hours. Betty, Kev's Mom was very happy.
Kev and I stopped by to have lunch at Camino Real Mexican Restaurant, an old authentic Mexican Restaurant in Watsonville for a late lunch or early dinner. He had Bistek Ranchero and I had Chicken Enchilada. It was so good as always!!
We went to our hotel and took a shower and rested. We were scheduled to meet with his Mom and sister for dinner at 7:45 PM but cancellled because I was throwing up and too sick to go. I was in horrible pain. We just watched a documentary and went to bed. Kev was asleep before I knew.
The next day, Kev left early to the mountains to ride his bike. I woke up late, Frodo woke me up. We went for a long walk. Frodo was so excited to go for a walk there. He's always excited to do anything there but not in Sacramento.
Kev came back around 10 and while he was showering, I kept getting this call which I always thought was a sales call. I didn't answer it and next thing my computer started to ring. It was my son calling me on Skype, he told me he's been calling my phone. We taked for almost 30 minutes. It was about 9PM there when we were talking and Sgt. Cam came to Russ' room to ask for help. Which means he can be called to work anytime, he hardly sleeps. I felt bad, between my pain and missing my son and his situation there, I could just cry and cry and cry and I did!!
We went to check surf spots, stopped by his Mom's and went to Walnut Blvd Cafe in downtown for late breakfast. He had Huevos Rancheros and I had avocado, mushroom and cheese scramble and a fruit bowl. We went around downtown. I bought cards for friends, looked for humorous cards but not humorous enough for my son. We went back to the car but I asked Kev if I can buy a couple of things at Trader Joe's, so I did. We left for Sacramento and we got home around 6:30 PM.
I knew it was going to be tough to cook, but I couldn't find anything easy to make. I made past using the Pampano fish that I thawed out and used the broccollini that I purchased at Trader Joe's. I was very tired. I knew I snored that night.
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