Embrace Fear and Let Go

Today I ask God to heal me once again, touch me and I will be healed and I'm going to wait for that day if it's not today. A few believers say, you have to believe that you have been healed and you will. But what if you've done all that and you're still in pain? And every single thing you do, you suffer from pain like most Syringomyelia sufferers?

Unbelievable as it may seem, but I'm in it!! As far as I can remember I have had many challenges because of Chiari and Syringomyelia. Today is one of those days where my body feels like it's been forcibly separated into two pieces, upper body and lower body with a buttocks that's been broken in many pieces!! You're constantly holding your stomach muscles up as to keep your bladder up or it will drop on the ground. Your legs feels like their nerves are too short and they're being stretched to cover the whole area and they're getting numb because of that. The feet constantly feel ice cold in the cold season like acid was poured over them and during the warm season they feel constantly swollen with heat.

As I often say, there are a lot of things I want to do besides things I should be doing but it has been many years that whatever I do I would be in pain for days, weeks, months or even years. Depending on what I did. Wish I could write on my blog everyday but it's impossible because today I am typing and for sure it will hurt my hands and arms again like it always does.

There used to be this fear, fear inside of me that is almost blinding. I felt panicked or worried. To a point where I may have been bitter because I was afraid of change, afraid to leave my son to fend for himself. Fear of leaving the life that we may have known. But as years passed, with my health still deteriorating, I began to dissolve the power of fear by embracing it and by embracing it, I had learned to let go. That impenetrable barrier of fear no longer exists. In it's place is the change that my heart has been longing for, unfortunately not by choice but being able to face the reality of how you are going to live without any spice in life. The only reason why you're alive is because you're still breathing. You have no choice.