The continued progression of my illness causes me to become reclusive that I even deactivated my Facebook account for a while. As with blogging, it's a challenge to be able to type. Difficulty with using fingers is one, looking up or down with my neck is another and not being able to sit is worse. It's hard to type lying down on your side. It's the Psoas Major that's not getting any stimulation from the spinal cord, it has been so many years now and I'm so so tired. Psoas Major, this nerve-rich core muscle described as a messenger of the central nervous system, and also according to Wikipedia, the psoas' main function is as a hip flexor at all. The psoas major is a large muscle that attaches at the bottom of the thoracic spine (T12) and along the lumbar spine (through L4), then runs through the pelvic bowl, down over the front of the hip joint, and attaches at the top of the femur (thigh bone). It is the only muscle connecting the spine to the leg. My main challenge right now is my torso that continues to get more and more stiff especially after walking. My Mom went home to the Philippines and my sister offered me to go with Mom all expense paid and maybe I can go for treatment there. My friend offered a business class ticket for me. I would love to go but the difficulty of travel for me is not just worth it. Not being able to sit is not fun at all. I have difficulty just going to my local doctor. I avoid doctors visits unless it's definitely needed. Kevin, my live-in boyfriend helped me expand my garden, I had been doing it with so much difficulty but it is therapeutic. Lately, it's what makes the world go round for me. Again I thought, if it's what would kill me, so be it. At least I did it. My caregiver and I had to go to Home Depot for garden essentials and to Walmart for cleaning supplies. I cannot bring my wheelchair with me in her car. She usually does the Walmart shopping but sometimes when I'm with her, I would go in. It's always a choice between two evils when I think about walking or drive one of those shopping scooters which requires sitting up and always hurts me more. I decided on walking. I felt exhausted when we got home, it felt like I couldn't do anything else but of course we need food for dinner that I have to do it. Sometimes I wish I could just turn off the plug and sleep or lie down and not worry about anything. When I hit the bed it's always a relief for my body. Once, I dreamed that I was wearing a body brace that broke in front of my old classmates which hurt me so much. Then in my dream, my friends found out I had health issues. I was sort of glad that they did. I can hardly walk when I woke up. The stiffness I had been feeling that started in my lower back is now in my upper back which causes even more breathing discomfort. I thought it may not be long when I lose my walking ability. I'm just thankful now that I can still walk around the house. I can't complain because people will say, others can't use any of their limbs, always reminding me that there are people out there with much more serious conditions. It's true, but that's not always how we think. We think for the moment. For now I just live day by day because no one knows what's going to happen next. I just have to be thankful with what I have, I guess.