At least I feel paralysis coming. It could be worse to where I could have been instantly paralyzed.
At this point I'm ready for it. I'm thinking of not trying to save myself. Not to opt for another surgery that might slow the progression, because to me, it's been years of torture! Many times I couldn't do it anymore. I have been patient but sometimes, I'm running out,running out of patience, I just constantly pray for more. I don't want to live each day in pain for many more years. I hope that this is understandable to many.
This place is where I can vent, I can vent without hurting anyone, without pulling someone down, without making me feel like an idiot afterwards, making me feel like someone else's pain is worse than mine or I'm not strong enough, etc, etc. Once, a friend of mine said, "Others are in more pain than you do, you're luckier than some people out there". My brother Alex always says " Try to divert your attention and not think about your pain". It's so true, I wish that I can always think that way, but it doesn't make my pain go away. Maybe with a slight pain you can forget but with excruciating pain, it doesn't let you think.
Altering your life due to severe chronic pain is not an option for any human being. Having an active mind in a progressively less active body could be very frustrating. I deal with it on a daily basis. I used to be a very active person. Staying positive can seem to get old after a while. The scary symptoms seem to cloud over your hopes of recovery. At this point in time, it feels to me like paralysis can happen any time. I just know there is no getting around it. The door is open, I'm ready.
