Thanksgiving

The purpose of Thanksgiving is to commemorate the good harvest of the Pilgrims in 1621, and to give thanks for our friends, family and good fortune. It is a very important occasion to celebrate by most households in the United States.

In our country, we do not celebrate Thanksgiving, but since we moved here in 1994, we have adopted it as our own. Every year, it became an important day for us. It's a day to be thankful for the blessings of the past year.

A year or two ago, Kevin has recorded what I had done in the kitchen thinking that it might be the last time I am able to prepare the feast. This year was very tough. The left part of my torso has become very stiff and hard that I cannot feel anything but pain. Taking a step with my left leg is excruciating, even more so with standing. But again, I was able to make dinner. Everything was good except the main dish! I never baked a small turkey before. I forgot that I was cooking a small one.

I baked a pumpkin pie meringue, corn bread and made stuffing using corn bread that I made adding with it leeks, green apples and sage. I made Mom's corn pudding. I made sweet potato casserole, green beans sauteed with shallots, cranberries with orange liqueur, sautéed mushrooms and made roasted garlic mashed potato. All made from scratch. Kevin bought a pumpkin pie hoping that I will not make a homemade pie, but didn't work.

Learning to adjust to make things more simple and not stress myself is what I need. Truly, it doesn't stress me mentally since I love to cook and bake but physically, it does! Now, I have to spend many days in bed again. It certainly made me happy that I served something I made in order to make others happy but it takes a toll on my body and it's not good for my condition. I need to care for myself even though it maybe a little late now.

At this point, I consider myself a walking quadriplegic. Everything is partially paralyzed including my stomach. It saddens me but I need to focus on the things that will help me later, I need to prepare for it. Wish I can scape it, but this condition is attacking me at will. I wish for it to halt but it seems like it just goes on and on. There are days when I want to disappear on the face of the earth. I feel like I have lost all my pride, my self esteem, they're long gone. I feel like I am going to loose him, too. The love of my life. I can feel it coming.

It is painful, so painful when you see your life falling into pieces. What will become of me when I am bedridden? I don't see any future, seems like nothing I can do to save myself.  For now, I'll just do what needed to be done, although inside me, I don't care as much for anything anymore. I love my son with all my heart but he shouldn't see me suffering, it will just hurt him.