How I wish I had a Dragon Naturally Speaking gadget that works!!! It's too painful to use my arms and fingers to do any typing but I just don't have any choice, oh yes I do have an option, the choice of not typing!!!!But I had been needing for someone to talk to and this is my way of letting it out.

I know that it won't be long and the days when I am up are over. Even I will not have the liberty to use a wheelchair and roam around. There is a reason why my wheelchair has a controller in the back! I wouldn't mind having a horizontal angle for a view of everything, say goodbye to the upright position. If you want to be positive, it's better than not seeing at all. Same thing as when you say nothing is worse than being bedridden and not being able to do anything? Others would say, no, be
positive, at least you're alive! I think I will get to that later.

A few years ago, I found happiness in gardening and cooking. Now Syringomyelia has taken them away from me almost completely. I heard it from others that SM really attacks its sufferers at will.I think I fought a good battle for many years. (It doesn't matter if it counts to others or not, I just know I tried my best)My son told me that if it wasn't for my persistence, I would have been paralyzed earlier, Kev doesn't agree. I believe it because there is regeneration in nerves, an example is a person that had a stroke can have paralysis and if they are persistent in trying to rehabilitate themselves they could walk again. My brother who is a doctor once told me that I should minimize the use of my energy, save , save and save. On the contrary, I heard my doctor say, in reference to me, "She's up and about, she will do better in the long run". Thinking back, I might have overdone, but like I said before, I wanted to have a life. So if I may have shortened my walking years because I wanted to do things that I can still do at that time, then so be it.

In the book of Matthew, Chapter 6:25. It talks about God telling us not to worry about everyday life. I believe, but I still worry, I worry about so many things especially with what I am going through right now. Besides my condition being a big burden in my mind, I was bothered by some article in the newspaper that my partner had wanted me to read. It may be that he wanted to help, thanks to him but it's almost funny when people say this things because they have no clue what each and everyone of us go through. The article is entitled, Training the brain to Ignore Pain, not knowing that when you have a chronic pain it's totally different from someone who has pain or does get sick every now and then who can afford to lie down and take care of their pain when they do because it only happens once in a while. Not to someone who is in pain everyday for years!!! You become an expert at ignoring your pain. I worked for many years even though I had excruciating pain. Now when it's time to make dinner and my pain hasn't subsided, I can make a quick dinner even when I'm in a lot of pain,it's even hard to think what's the next thing to do because your pain is all over your body and not just one particular area. You learn to smile even you have stabbing, tugging, sharp or electric like pain that makes you nauseated. Life has to go on. But when you talk about your pain, to some people, you are just this weak individual that cannot put mind over matter!!!!lol I just laugh at it. They just don't realize that maybe I/we should teach people how to learn to live ignoring our pain!

Sometimes it's nice to be alone because you don't have to pretend there's nothing wrong when your bladder feels like it's being pulled out of it's place, you just want to tie it with a string and hold it up 24/7 or tie it around your neck, when your legs and feet feels very cold like they're covered in ice but burning or I simply call it the acid burning feeling that makes your hair all over stand up and as if someone is trying to skin your legs and pouring acid on your flesh at the same time, when your shoulder and upper back feels like you're being stabbed in every inch at the same time pulling,tugging and drilling inside so deep and someone pushing you down and you have to fight to remain upright, when your lower back and buttocks feels like it is broken in small pieces and burning inside so deep, sharp pain inside like an electric drill stabbing and crushing you all over, when you're trying to walk even though your pain is up a notch over a 12, feels like your body is a long piece of steel but someone is trying to bend it. The only way to relieve it is to be in bed. I could go on and on and describe the pain that goes on all over my body but it's not going to change anything.

I think I'm in an emotionally vulnerable position right now. Things will change. Someday it will be easier for me to be thankful for the last seven years that were given to me that I surely enjoyed. I will not try to change anything. It was a different life but I tried to embrace it. I thank God and my doctors for those years. The past seven years were the best gift of my life.