Worried and Scared

Everyday I'm worried and scared. There's no stopping the degeneration of my ailment. Everyday seem like there's something new. A few days ago, I needed to handwash a couple of my shirts although my arms were weak and painful, I did and right after a new arm pain started to emerge but it all seemed familiar because I had it when I was about 9 or 10 yrs old until later years.

There is all kinds of weirdness, the difficulty breathing is abnormal and worse, my feet and lowest part of my legs to my ankles are like soaking in ice water like a burning acid. My wrists and all of my fingers hurt so much feels like they could just break, like they're porous or hollow. My chest and the root of my arms feel like they're always swollen. The pain is so deep specially on my upper back. I would ask Dora, my caregiver to poke it with the end of a rolling pin and then put her weight in it then turn it in circles. The pain could be so excruciating.

After my 8th surgery, an anterior cervical dyscectomy with fusion, I was so excited about the thought of not having to wear my neckbrace. I was disappointed again when I realized that I will never have a neck that would feel normal. The bone grinding pain went away but the muscle and nerve pain will always be there and it helps a lot to wear the soft collar. Without it I get dizzy and disoriented, can't use my arms and pain gets distributed to the back, chest and root of the arms. There's more and more that I can't do for myself. Scrubbing my body when taking a shower has become a challenge, I always run out of breath doing it. Doing launtry is impossible especially folding clothes or putting them in hangers.

I'm pretty sure it is from walking like a normal person because Kevin and I like to walk that the first muscle to really give out is the Psoas Major which is responsible in helping the lumbar spine through unilateral contraction bends the trunk laterally, while bilateral contraction raises the trunk from its supine position.

It forms part of a group of muscles called the hip flexors, whose action is primarily to lift the upper leg towards the body when the body is fixed or to pull the body towards the leg when the leg is fixed.

For example, when doing a situp that brings the torso (including the lower back) away from the ground and towards the front of the leg. It helps us sit and supports us while sitting. There has not been any sitting for me for a year and two months now. It's either standing or lying down for me. Imagine not being able to sit, anyone not can't will probably get crazy from frustration! I've been ready to die a long time! I just don't want to be selfish because I have a son. If not, there is really nothing to live for. I try hard to be positive but there's no end to this suffering and I know for sure it could get worse in time. Dr. Kreis of the Pain Management Clinic will not allow me to get any epidural injections anymore, according to him because I have symptoms of spinal cord compression, those injections are dangerous in my case. Okey then, so what can we do? He advised Hydro Therapy not for a six months but a year. Yes, a year! Do I want to commit to that? I said let me think about it. How can I be sure it will work for me? I guess I'll just go and do it. I don't know what's good for me anymore. ]6

When standing up, I can feel it in my lower back including the back of my legs nerves seem being pulled or yanked down, the feeling of heaviness makes you just want to sit. I can't sit, so I mean lay down!

I'm still hoping these will all pass meaning that I will adjust to the situation again. No matter how difficult the situation maybe, (other people that aren't suffering will say "It could be worse" ,it is easier said than done but when you're in that situation, you're the only one that knows. One day, I will just accept it because I'm in it!