I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation with Syringomyelia in October 2002 but I continued to do some things that I can still do. Before my diagnosis, my Mom used to try to stop me from working around the house and remind me to rest and that I had done enough already. Neighbors of mine in Santa Rosa used to call me the "go getter". My boss in Rhonert Park used to call me the lady with a "can do" attitude. My ex-husband told his Mom that he felt like he won the lottery because I was a hard worker at work and at home.
I considered myself an intelligent child. I graduated in elementary with honors and same thing in High School, only with a little difficulty. My first year in college was exciting, although my migraine headaches were getting worse and it happened almost daily. I maintained a good GPA. Sophomore, it was a bit rough. After that, things got worse, migraine headaches everyday and eyes were getting dry and itchy and eyesight is poor. Cognitive skill is deteriorating but didn't realize it until later that there was really something wrong. I always thought it was just me. I was taking Pre-law in college. I wanted to become a lawyer like my father but my mother didn't want me to continue with my course because the family was planning to move abroad so she wanted me to become a dentist so that I can have a career abroad. My Mom said she will stop supporting me if I didn't change my course.
So in the summer after my sophomore year besides all the weird things I was going through, I started to take the pre-requisites for Dentistry. In my practical courses, I had very good grades but courses where memorization was needed, I was failing. I had been studying and was always prepared for the exams but during tests I blacked out. My professors were disappointed and met with me and asked what was going on. I felt so stupid. I gave up school in third year and went back to it many times later in my life. First year I came to the U.S. In 1994, I enrolled in classes. I did good with my practical subjects, in fact I had A's, but where I needed to memorize, I didn't do good. Next thing, my symptoms were more pronounced. Stomach issues, severe migraines happened everyday. After many years of ordeal, I was diagnosed in 2002. After my diagnosis and after my decompression surgery, I was so excited to go back to school. I had strong feelings that I would do good but I was disappointed. I couldn't carry my books from the parking lot to my classroom so I bought a backpack with a roller, still my arms can't pull the bag. I applied for a disabled parking permit thinking it should help. It was difficult to get to my classes although I had no other choice. I thought things were better. During my first test besides not being able to recall any terms I memorized from brain fog, I was so sick when I got home but again, I had no choice but to study for there was another test the next day. I asked my husband and my son that dinner will be leftovers because I wanted to head out to Starbucks to study. Albeit I was feeling weird, I still studied but when I went home, my husband told me, my color was different, that my face was green. Before we even had dinner, to me things got dark and next thing I passed out. I was taken to the ER. I overworked my brain. Too much water in my head and I needed bed rest.
It didn't just stop there. Too many instances to enumerate. From studying to exercise and work, etc.
I used to go to the gym on a regular basis to keep myself trim and realize later that I couldn't do any form of exercise because my nerves were too damaged and my muscles do not recuperate normally.
It was difficult to accept all of these changes in my body function. I took many years to come to terms with reality that there were many things that I cannot pursue in life because of my limitations. Thats why to some they call Syringomyelia a preternatural thief of lives not lived to its fullest.
In later years, I realized that those ambitions, the eagerness of wanting to better yourself will always stay with you but when your body fails, no matter how bitter it could be, like the saying goes; " only in your dreams" because things will not happen and life will not stop for you. You have to learn to
suck it all up. Only a miracle will help. If it does ever happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment