On Being Disabled

Out of all torments, disability is the worst. This is what I believe in because I go through it. Material things can be replaced but your health is your wealth. Not only do I go through physical pain but mental anguish at times. Mental anguish ravages your soul and your very being. Sometimes I fight both pain. Around people you have to maintain a certain mood as to not be judged. Even though you're not in the mood to be positive, you have to, around people or else you're accused of putting their mood down. ( Now it's impossible to type again, so I will continue this next time. )

This is one good reason for having this blog. When I need to get things out of my mind, I can write how I feel without being judged by others. I can vent without hurting others. I need to express myself. It sure helps with my sanity.

Many years ago, I was always admired by others for being positive and patient. I remember once, a lady who came to visit me with a friend of mine cried  after seeing me because she realized how she had taken everything for granted. "Here you are,"she mused, "sick and in pain but you're happy and positive." I believe that being able to inspire others can give us a certain feeling of self worth. Apparently, those days are rare for me now. At this point, it hardly ever happens anymore. Maybe my outlook will change later. After I lost the ability to sit up four years ago, having arms that almost has no use and having to always be in bed, it became difficult for me to inspire others. In fact, I am in need of someone to inspire me. I'm not sure. I'm hoping this feeling will pass soon.

Before this happened, my desire was to go out there, encourage and inspire others. Visit the sick, the elderly, orphans and so on, but for having chronic pain, you never know what the next day brings. Besides, it has been seven years that I had to depend on others to take me to places.

More often that not, I had to cancel doctors appointments. I refuse to go to PT, not only that it's too taxing to get out of the house but because my muscles cannot tolerate it. I haven't had any desire to go anywhere for years. I refuse to take showers. I refuse to see normal people who live "normal" lives.
In my opinion, there's a big difference between being disabled and can get around, than someone disabled  who's almost stuck in bed all day.