Trying So Hard To Be Positive

My condition has been going downhill day by day although I have been trying so hard to stay positive. I never mentioned anything to my son about my worsening condition. He has many other things to worry about and the last thing I would want is to add to his burden.
I try to make easy meals and healthy at the same time. I like to broil fish and vegetables. For breakfast, I usually eat banana and yogurt. Sometimes I ask Dora to cook enchilada and I eat it for many days!
I haven't posted for a while just because of the weakness of my extremities. I was taken to the ER last Wednesday because of weakness and numbness on the left side of my body. It is a very scary feeling when you feel your body becoming hard and weak, I thought I was going to be paralyzed!! My left side has been bothering me even more, it's weird because it used to be the right side that was weaker. It's disappointing that other people judge you. The doctor asked me to push and I couldn't push hard and she said, I know you can!! This disease could give you pain not only in the body but a heartache because it is an invisible disease that people tend to think you are exaggerating.

Right now, when I use my arms as for anything, right away it's hard to breath, I feel weaknesss in my chest area and the pain is excruciating. It feels like breathing from a very small sieve!!All my joints, including knuckles of my fingers are painful. Ankles, knees, root of my arms, elbows and wrists are all very painful and arms and legs are very weak. The weakness comes from inside. Right now, it is hard to stand up for a few minutes, my body seems like it is broken in the waist and buttocks area and my arms feel like they are going to fall off.

I am getting so close to being able to accept all of these but one thing that is going to be very difficult is to become bedridden, I wish to be able to get into a wheelchair. With the symptoms I'm having, it is very difficult even at this time to be in a wheelchair. After a while, my body needs to be back to bed! After walking a 
few minutes, I'm already tired, the same thing with using my arms!!
I heard from my Neurosurgeon on August 1st. It made me very happy and more hopeful again. He wants me to have a cervical MRI and an EMG of the upper extremities and then depending on the result, I would have to go and see him in New york.
I immediately asked for an appointment to see a local Neurosurgeon, unfortunately, I was scheduled on Sept. 1 so I will have to check in everyday for cancellations.
Hoping for the best.