I'm Not Afraid Anymore

I would have had many posts if it hadn't been such a struggle for me to use the computer. It seems like I need someone to help me with every task I need to do. I'm trying to use this voice over software that I got, but it's even more frustrating because it doesn't really recognize what I'm saying, it's not accurate and you have to erase and retype and yell at the words many times for it to be recognized one at a time. A sentence takes so many minutes to complete.
Though it maybe difficult to do things, we keep trying until our body gives up. That's my experience with Syringomyelia. You keep going back trying to do it many more times if you still can. Too sad that it ends and then you realize that every year you accomplish less.
Should I worry about things? Isn't it human instinct to worry about things they need? I worry about things like, my son in Iraq, the monthly mortgage, the bills, the unfinished backyard, my relationship after being incapacitated, my dog Frodo, about things that I couldn't do, etc., etc. I shouldn't, because more worry for me means more pain but I'm just human, although more often than not my faith makes me forget about it. With Him there is always a way. I try to relate my life to the birds in Matthew 6:25-26. And Matthew 6:34 reads, So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
Although I don't worry about my pain, I just go through it, I don't even go to the doctor anymore. The epidural injection I got many months ago didn't help me, but my medicine helps a bit and I'm thankful for it. I'm appreciative when pain gets tolerable. When pain is at it's worse, I feel like going to a cave where no one can see me and there I scream and cry my heart out to let it out, I have to because if not I feel like I'll get crazy!!
It's hard for me not to prepare myself, to prepare for a new segment of my life because the progression has been too fast. This disease is so debilitating it seems like to me I loose a bit of my mobility each day. I have lost many things, the ability to work for my family and support my son and myself. The ability to drive. It never crossed my mind that at this young age I would have to depend on others to take me to places. I loved to be in the kitchen, my passion is cooking and baking. Complacent that I still can make something that are effortless to prepare. Rarely that I will start any projects anymore. Many years ago, I tiled my porch, I worked on transforming our garage into a family room, scraping walls that have been spackled and later painted it. I thought of myself as a contractor. Except the bottom crack.lol I landscaped lawns like a pro!! Even driving to rivers to pick up rocks. Once I was driving and saw a pile of big nice rocks on the side of the road. There were no houses nearby. So I figured I could save by picking them up since no one seemed to have owned them. I started putting them in the trunk of my car slowly, one at a time. They were big and heavy and to me were nice landscaping rocks. At that time I was already feeling the pain in my back but just ignored it. Lo and behold after putting a number of them in my trunk, an older man in a bulldozer driving in front of me as fast as he could like he was going to run over me and he was shouting, "This is private property, get out". I was too scared that instead of unloading the rocks, my instinct was to drive away as fast as I could before he could get to me. I felt so guilty that I had those rocks but took them home anyway! I will never forget that! I am grateful that I have pictures as a token of my projects because I cannot do any of it now. The sewing projects, the floral arrangements, crocheting, painting and many other things. The painful thing is that to people that didn't know me before think that I'm lazy. I have this invisible disease, there is no trace of it from the outside. Syringomyelia attacks the nervous system, like our electrical system, which doesn't show. A man with the same ailment once said, If I had a whole in my neck, breathing from a tube, people would have been more sympathetic. I, personally am not expecting for sympathy. I wish for understanding.
I'm working hard on not worrying about what other people think, some people think I was lazy many years ago when I can still work, how much more now that I stay home 85%of the time? I'm not afraid anymore as to what awaits me. Certainly more degeneration is what's in store for me, but I'm not afraid. I may still worry at times but definitely not afraid. Because I know that God is with me and He will not leave me alone.Because with God there is always a way.